he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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