I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
