I'm pants shitting drunk right now
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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