don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
