This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
