My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
