I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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