dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Congratulations! We have a period
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
