Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
