he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
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