and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
