There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
