you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
