I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
