Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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