I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
