Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
