Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
