So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
