You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
