1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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