sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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