i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
