there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
