Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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