I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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