Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
