i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
