I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
