I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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