The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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