He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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