I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
