chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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