Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
