Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
