Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
