I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
