I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
