Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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