he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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