God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
