Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can't turn off my feet"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
