That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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