oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
