You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
