How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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