Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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