My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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