There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
