Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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