and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
